Post by Lolua on Apr 12, 2009 23:27:00 GMT -5
I don't know if I'll have time to do more of these or even to finish this one -- but this was begging to be written. With compliments and apologies to Cleolinda Jones of Movies in Fifteen Minutes.
Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood in Five Minutes
Episode 1: "Fullmetal Alchemist," or "This Title Tested Well in Focus Groups"
Some Alley
[Our Villain draws with sidewalk chalk and hangs out in alleyways. He must get very dizzy playing hopscotch.]
Central Command Center, Fuhrer Bradley's Office
FUHRER BRADLEY: Our Villain's call sign is The Freezing Alchemist and your job is to bring him in. Feel free make that Fullmetal kid do all the work.
ROY MUSTANG: Official permission for laziness. Sweet.
MANGA FANDOM: *facepalm*
Moonlit Streets of Central City
EDWARD ELRIC: Mustang is a tool. We're not even to the opening credits and he's already messing up the whole plot arc!
ALPHONSE ELRIC: I'm sure we can get credit on our Frequent Traveler miles and make it to Liore some other time.
[ opening credit sequence, in which there is much wind and creepy lip-synching ]
That Same Alley
[SOLDIERS armed with guns and bayonets are sent to hunt OUR VILLAIN, an alchemist who can stab them with icicles, freeze their blood and/or liquefy their internal organs instantaneously. This would be a very ill thought-out and short-sighted plan on the military's part if not for the sudden appearance of... Edward Elric! EDWARD and OUR VILLAIN debate alchemical philosophy. ED attacks him with a spear that has his face on the end and things promptly get even more awkward and expository.]
OUR VILLAIN: Cheater?
EDWARD: Nosy!
OUR VILLAIN: Water?
EDWARD: Automail!
OUR VILLAIN: ...Fullmetal?
[Just in case you missed it: We Have Title.]
ALPHONSE: Not me!
OUR VILLAIN: Runt?
EDWARD: $#@%!
OUR VILLAIN: *pwned*
RANDOM SOLDIER: Just for kicks, let's make Fullmetal spazz out again.
OUR VILLAIN: *not quite done villain-ing*
Central Command Center,Bedtime Story Briefing in Mustang's Office
MUSTANG: Once upon a time, Our Villain was called Isaac the Freezer...
ALPHONSE: What, like Walter "The Refrigerator" Perry?
MUSTANG: His real name is Isaac McDougal, and he used to be a State Alchemist who fought in the Isbalan War of Extermination...
EDWARD: Whoa, slow down there, Sparky. Don't put too many cards on the table in the first episode.
MUSTANG: ...but now he wants to destroy the government because of what happened there. Can't imagine why. *coughs* We're supposed to exterminate him.
EDWARD: Well, isn't that just compounding irony?
MUSTANG: Speaking of which, Fullmetal, how's the search for the You-Know-What going?
EDWARD: Again with the exposition. Sheesh. Can't we lighten the tone somehow?
HUGHES: Did someone call me?
MUSTANG: Go away! This is Very Important Business.
HUGHES: So is this!
[HUGHES reaches in his jacket pocket and pulls out his deadliest weapon -- a photo of his wife and daughter! ED and AL are rendered unconscious by ELICIA's cuteness.
Chez Hughes
[THE ELRICS come to in the doorway of the Hughes family's apartment. Apparently the Background Artists didn't have the budget to give them a whole house.]
HUGHES: Welcome, guests!
ELICIA: You're tall! He's small!
ED: He's younger, I'm older. Got it, kid?
ELICIA: But... tall and small!
ED: *melts into puddle of righteous indignation*
[For dinner, the Hughes Family is serving quiche. Because he knows that Quiche is the Enemy, AL will not let it slip past his defenses.]
GRACIA: Eat up, kids! You too, Alphonse!
ED: Er, Al's on the, uh... Alchemists' Diet! Nothing but air and a little machine oil, very healthy... not to mention, good for the circulation!
[The Hughes Family totally buy this. ED eats enough for 6 Alphonses.]
Meanwhile On Cellblock BIs For Backstory
OUR VILLAIN ISAAC: Ishbal was horrible! They all deserve what they get for making us do That Stuff in That Place, right, Kimbly?
SCARIER VILLAIN KIMBLY: Muahahahahahaha!
ISAAC: I mean, don't you ever just want to curl up under a blanket with a teddy bear and...?
KIMBLY: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
ISAAC: ... I take that as a "No."
DEAD PRISON GUARD: My mother warned me I'd catch my death of cold someday.
Back at Chez Hughes
[HUGHES, who is not in his manly chicky PJs, has indigestion and cannot sleep. This is why Quiche is the Enemy.]
GRACIA: Take some Pepto Bismol and go to sleep, honey.
HUGHES: I was thinking of cherry cough drops, actually...
[In the guest room, ED and AL also cannot sleep.]
AL: But I didn't even have the quiche! TwT
ED: Put it on the list of things to do after weget released from our contracts get our bodies back.
In the Dark Alley Again
[ISAAC is plotting something because he feels wrathful and wants to send Bradley to hell. Oh, Isaac.]
Central Command Center
MUSTANG: Send out the attack dogs in broad daylight! Send soldiers with flashlights and guns into the sewers!
[No one thinks to check the dark alleys where Isaac is known to hang out. And it's much too obvious to fight water with flame.]
MUSTANG: Oh, fine, I guess I'll have to go after him myself.
The Body Count Rises
[ISAAC is a steampunk, insofar as he is a punk who kills people with steam.]
ARMSTRONG: Rah! My manly muscles will overpower you!
ISAAC: *is oversparkled*
Dark Rooftop Scene That Must Work Better in Japanese, or Maybe In Batman
MUSTANG: So we meet again, Freezing.
ISAAC: So we do, Flaming.
MUSTANG:
Are we going to fight, old friend, or am I going to kick your ass?
ISAAC: Neither. *splashes water on Roy and runs away across Lyra's icebridge*
FANDOM: WHERE THE HELL ARE HAWKEYE AND HER GUN???
Alley of Darkness
[ISAAC excavates one of his chalk drawings from the rubble while oversized stone heads of Major Armstrong watch balefully. No, seriously.]
ED:
Minas Morgul Central Command Center, The Moat
Roving icebergs of doom are closing in. Like the Blob, this ice eats bullets. This is possibly the scariest thing in the episode.
WET!MUSTANG: Aha! Bet you didn't expect me to have back-up gloves that are DRY and SPARKY! *snaps*
HAWKEYE: Try to limit your uselessness to filler episodes, OK?
Back in the Dark Alley
[FUHRER BRADLEY has been waiting patiently all episode to let his bad-assitude out of the box. ISAAC's arm falls off from BRADLEY giving him the evil eye. Or from his lightning-fast sword. The world may never know.]
Back in Mustang's Office
Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood in Five Minutes
Episode 1: "Fullmetal Alchemist," or "This Title Tested Well in Focus Groups"
Some Alley
[Our Villain draws with sidewalk chalk and hangs out in alleyways. He must get very dizzy playing hopscotch.]
Central Command Center, Fuhrer Bradley's Office
FUHRER BRADLEY: Our Villain's call sign is The Freezing Alchemist and your job is to bring him in. Feel free make that Fullmetal kid do all the work.
ROY MUSTANG: Official permission for laziness. Sweet.
MANGA FANDOM: *facepalm*
Moonlit Streets of Central City
EDWARD ELRIC: Mustang is a tool. We're not even to the opening credits and he's already messing up the whole plot arc!
ALPHONSE ELRIC: I'm sure we can get credit on our Frequent Traveler miles and make it to Liore some other time.
[ opening credit sequence, in which there is much wind and creepy lip-synching ]
That Same Alley
[SOLDIERS armed with guns and bayonets are sent to hunt OUR VILLAIN, an alchemist who can stab them with icicles, freeze their blood and/or liquefy their internal organs instantaneously. This would be a very ill thought-out and short-sighted plan on the military's part if not for the sudden appearance of... Edward Elric! EDWARD and OUR VILLAIN debate alchemical philosophy. ED attacks him with a spear that has his face on the end and things promptly get even more awkward and expository.]
OUR VILLAIN: Cheater?
EDWARD: Nosy!
OUR VILLAIN: Water?
EDWARD: Automail!
OUR VILLAIN: ...Fullmetal?
[Just in case you missed it: We Have Title.]
ALPHONSE: Not me!
OUR VILLAIN: Runt?
EDWARD: $#@%!
OUR VILLAIN: *pwned*
RANDOM SOLDIER: Just for kicks, let's make Fullmetal spazz out again.
OUR VILLAIN: *not quite done villain-ing*
Central Command Center,
MUSTANG: Once upon a time, Our Villain was called Isaac the Freezer...
ALPHONSE: What, like Walter "The Refrigerator" Perry?
MUSTANG: His real name is Isaac McDougal, and he used to be a State Alchemist who fought in the Isbalan War of Extermination...
EDWARD: Whoa, slow down there, Sparky. Don't put too many cards on the table in the first episode.
MUSTANG: ...but now he wants to destroy the government because of what happened there. Can't imagine why. *coughs* We're supposed to exterminate him.
EDWARD: Well, isn't that just compounding irony?
MUSTANG: Speaking of which, Fullmetal, how's the search for the You-Know-What going?
EDWARD: Again with the exposition. Sheesh. Can't we lighten the tone somehow?
HUGHES: Did someone call me?
MUSTANG: Go away! This is Very Important Business.
HUGHES: So is this!
[HUGHES reaches in his jacket pocket and pulls out his deadliest weapon -- a photo of his wife and daughter! ED and AL are rendered unconscious by ELICIA's cuteness.
Chez Hughes
[THE ELRICS come to in the doorway of the Hughes family's apartment. Apparently the Background Artists didn't have the budget to give them a whole house.]
HUGHES: Welcome, guests!
ELICIA: You're tall! He's small!
ED: He's younger, I'm older. Got it, kid?
ELICIA: But... tall and small!
ED: *melts into puddle of righteous indignation*
[For dinner, the Hughes Family is serving quiche. Because he knows that Quiche is the Enemy, AL will not let it slip past his defenses.]
GRACIA: Eat up, kids! You too, Alphonse!
ED: Er, Al's on the, uh... Alchemists' Diet! Nothing but air and a little machine oil, very healthy... not to mention, good for the circulation!
[The Hughes Family totally buy this. ED eats enough for 6 Alphonses.]
Meanwhile On Cellblock B
ISAAC: I mean, don't you ever just want to curl up under a blanket with a teddy bear and...?
KIMBLY: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
ISAAC: ... I take that as a "No."
DEAD PRISON GUARD: My mother warned me I'd catch my death of cold someday.
Back at Chez Hughes
[HUGHES, who is not in his manly chicky PJs, has indigestion and cannot sleep. This is why Quiche is the Enemy.]
GRACIA: Take some Pepto Bismol and go to sleep, honey.
HUGHES: I was thinking of cherry cough drops, actually...
[In the guest room, ED and AL also cannot sleep.]
AL: But I didn't even have the quiche! TwT
ED: Put it on the list of things to do after we
In the Dark Alley Again
[ISAAC is plotting something because he feels wrathful and wants to send Bradley to hell. Oh, Isaac.]
Central Command Center
MUSTANG: Send out the attack dogs in broad daylight! Send soldiers with flashlights and guns into the sewers!
[No one thinks to check the dark alleys where Isaac is known to hang out. And it's much too obvious to fight water with flame.]
MUSTANG: Oh, fine, I guess I'll have to go after him myself.
The Body Count Rises
[ISAAC is a steampunk, insofar as he is a punk who kills people with steam.]
ARMSTRONG: Rah! My manly muscles will overpower you!
ISAAC: *is oversparkled*
Dark Rooftop Scene That Must Work Better in Japanese, or Maybe In Batman
MUSTANG: So we meet again, Freezing.
ISAAC: So we do, Flaming.
MUSTANG:
Are we going to fight, old friend, or am I going to kick your ass?ISAAC: Neither. *splashes water on Roy and runs away across Lyra's icebridge*
FANDOM: WHERE THE HELL ARE HAWKEYE AND HER GUN???
Alley of Darkness
[ISAAC excavates one of his chalk drawings from the rubble while oversized stone heads of Major Armstrong watch balefully. No, seriously.]
ED:
Roving icebergs of doom are closing in. Like the Blob, this ice eats bullets. This is possibly the scariest thing in the episode.
WET!MUSTANG: Aha! Bet you didn't expect me to have back-up gloves that are DRY and SPARKY! *snaps*
HAWKEYE: Try to limit your uselessness to filler episodes, OK?
Back in the Dark Alley
[FUHRER BRADLEY has been waiting patiently all episode to let his bad-assitude out of the box. ISAAC's arm falls off from BRADLEY giving him the evil eye. Or from his lightning-fast sword. The world may never know.]
Back in Mustang's Office
