Golden Compass in 15 Minutes

[Lolua]

Supposedly Cleolinda will be posting her official Movies in 15 Minutes parody of The Golden Compass on her m15m LJ community this week. However, BB and I spoke after we saw the movie about how much it begged to get mocked in classic Fifteen Minute fashion. So here, in fits and starts, are some parody scenes.

The Mystical Land of CGI Renderings and Concept Shots

OMINOUS VOICE OVER: There is another dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light kiddie fantasy and dark adult sci-fi, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of irritatingly big plot holes. It is an area which we call the Dust Bowl.

BIG BROTHER: …Is it just me, or was that whole thing a spoiler for the second and third books?


Some Field of Youthful Frolicking, Oxford

PEOPLE WHO’VE READ THE BOOK: Squee! The mud-throwing made it into the movie!

BILLY COSTA: There’s some lovely muck over ‘ere!

ROGER: Er, no thanks, I had mud for breakfast.

BILLY COSTA: Too bad! *flings mud*

LYRA BELACQUA: *flings mud at the back of Billy’s head*

BILLY: Mud fiiiiiiiiight!

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK: WTF?

DIRECTOR CHRIS WEITZ: Hey… Dust Bowl, Junior Mud Wrestling Tournament…. It’s all dirt…

AUDIENCE: You directed American Pie, didn’t you?

DIRECTOR CHRIS WEITZ: Yeah. Why?

AUDIENCE: Because it shows.


Gate into Jordan College, Oxford

Because they are children with uncomplicated, childlike emotions, Lyra, Billy, Roger and the others can never decide if they are all best friends or mortal enemies.

LYRA: None shall pass! This gate carries a dreadful curse to all who enter.

BILLY: Then how come you're goin' in?

LYRA: We're OK 'coz my mum cursed it... before she was killed by Lord Voldemort died in a car airship crash.

BILLY: Right. How can a girl with no Mummy use a Curse against a 'Gyptian?

LYRA: 'Coz I’ve got a coat of Many Colors… bought it off a bloke named Joe and his blood-sucking goat.

BILLY: O rly?

LYRA: Ya rly!

ROGER: No wai!

LYRA: Just get your Gyptian butt back here after sunset so I can pour itching powder in your shorts.

ROGER: Do we even have a coat to show him?

LYRA: I'll just steal a holocaust cloak from the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom closet.

---

Defence Against the Dark Arts Classroom, Later that Day

LYRA: Okay, lemme see here... no holocaust cloaks, just dresses. That's odd. Should we grab the Master's Vera Wang ensemble or the Jessica McClintock gown belonging to the Chair of Anthropics?

PANTALAIMON: Someone's coming!

Lyra and Pan dive into the wardrobe, which miraculously neither holds Grandma!Snape nor transports them to a world where it's always winter and never Christmas.

MASTER: Oh, I'm too nice a guy to poison Lord Asriel. You do it.

FRA PAVEL: No prob, the Church Magisterium is here to help.

(exeunt)

LORD ASRIEL: Ah, the Tokay. Tasty, but looks the same going in as going out.

LYRA: Don't drink it, it's poisoned! (knocks glass out of his hand, it shatters on the floor and leaves a urine-colored puddle on the rug)

LORD ASRIEL: Clever girl. Now hide with your mind wide open. Children should be unseen and overheard.

COLLEGE BOARD: (enters) We'll just ignore the spot on the floor, obviously your leopard had a little accident.

LORD ASRIEL: Let me show you this photogram on the projector I borrowed from Professors Snape and Lupin.

COLLEGE BOARD: Oooh. Sparkly!

FRA PAVEL: Sparklies are against the law!

COLLEGE BOARD: But.... they're so sparkly! @.@

FRA PAVEL: *gives Asriel the stink-eye*

LORD ASRIEL: So, stink-eye and attempted-murder aside... do I get the money or what?

COLLEGE BOARD: If it means you go back to the Arctic and stop having your leopard daemon piddle on our Persian rugs, sure.

----

Walking in a Garden Cloister Thing

LYRA: So, when do we leave for the Arctic?

ASRIEL: Come again?

LYRA: I just saved your life. You owe me a favor. I want to go north and be eaten by meet the ice bears.

ASRIEL: No, no... I only owe you a lame piece of advice you aren't going to follow. Stop asking questions about Dust.

LYRA: *pouts*

---

A Rooftop Set Recycled from Peter Pan or Mary Poppins or One of Those Movies

LYRA: ...and my Uncle Asriel is gonna buy me a pony and take me to the Arctic and let me ask as many questions about Dust as I want...

ROGER: Gee golly, Lyra, I wish I was as lucky as you. But I'll probably get kidnapped by Gobblers because nobody would bother to come looking for me all the way to the Arctic.

MURPHY'S LAW: *is invoked*

---

Lyra's Attic Bedroom, Oxford

HOUSEKEEPER: I'm going to thrash those louts in Hair & Make-up. Don't they know they were supposed to detangle your hair before letting you walk onto the set?

[Big Brother]

Dining Hall, Hogwarts Oxford

Mrs. Coulter makes a dramatic entrance dressed as a Golden Snitch. Which, essentially, she is.

MASTER: Lyra, this is Mrs. Coulter, an important and powerful lady who could end my career with a wave of her little finger. I've allowed you to sit next to her at dinner because I have total faith in you to not to spill anything in her lap or otherwise invoke her wrath.

LYRA: Seriously?

MASTER: Well, er, I couldn't let any of the other male professors sit next to her... bit of an embarrassing drooling problem, you see...

MRS. COULTER: Why Lyra, you're such a little lady. Why don't you join me in the Arctic, I could use an assistant.

PANTALAIMON: It's cold there, and I'm sickeningly cute.

MASTER: I'm not sure if that's a good idea...

MRS. COULTER: I am. And since I'm a hot blonde played by Nicole Kidman, and you're at least technically male, you WILL do whatever I ask.

MASTER: Of course. I'll send you some flowers and some expensive jewelry too.

MRS. COULTER: That would be nice.

LYRA: Yipee! I'm going via dirigible to the Arctic where my parents were killed in a dirigible accident! My fondest dream!

----

Diagon Alley, Oxford

ROGER: So, if Lyra doesn't show up with the Coat of Many Colors, are you gonna kidnap me?

BILLY: Yes, but in a friendly manner.

GOBBLERS: What a coincidence. We're gonna kidnap you in a less friendly manner.

BILLY AND ROGER: Ulp!

----

Lyra's Bedroom

MASTER: Traditionally, when professors retire after many years of service to the school, we give them a gold pocketwatch. So here's one for you. Your uncle left it with us. He had it in Vietnam, where he hid it up his...never mind. I'm sure he'd want you to have it now. It's been cleaned.

LYRA: Ooh, sparkly!

MASTER: Don't tell your new guardian, Mrs. Coulter, about this, or any of the other "little gifts" I've given you over the years, mmm'kay?

----

Some Airship Thingy that is Entirely Too Steampunk and Cool to be in This Movie

LYRA: Mrs. Coulter, what is the Magisterium?

MRS. COULTER: Boy, you do live in an Ivory Tower, don't you?

LYRA: No, but I occasionally lurk there.

MRS. COULTER: Well, the Magisterium is supposed to be the arm of the Catholic and Universal Church in charge of education and doctrinal orthodoxy, but in this movie we've dumbed it down to be some sort of vague UN-style government authority.

LYRA: So, the badguys, then?

MRS. COULTER: Of course not! They're led by Derek Jacobi and Christopher Lee, how could they possibly be evil?

----

Steampunk London

Mrs. Coulter takes Lyra on a montage of dinners, shopping trips and parties that wouldn't look out of place in a Princess Diaries movie.

LYRA: When are we gonna stop buying me pretty dresses and go to the Arctic?

MRS. COULTER: Goodness, you are a tomboy. So like myself at that age.

LYRA: But I really want to go to the Arctic and eat raw seal liver!

MRS. COULTER: The Arctic is a cold, harsh environment. It's important that you learn to dress appropriately. So take off that unstylish shoulder bag while you're inside, it isn't this season's color.

LYRA: No, you can't make me!

MRS. COULTER: YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!!

LYRA: I'm a girl, your powers of ice-queen sexiness have no effect on me.

MRS. COULTER'S MONKEY DAEMON: Take it off or I will twist off your ferret-daemon's head like a bottlecap.

LYRA: Ow! Okay, okay, let me go to my room first and, um, put it away properly.

MRS: COULTER: Good girl. Now give your Auntie Coulter a kiss...

----

Lyra's Steampunk London Bedroom

LYRA: Before I put this away, might as well try and read it. *twiddles with knobs* Hmmm, it points to the Lady, to the Lightning Bolt, then to the Baby. The Baby must be me, a kid. Apparently, I'm going to go on a long journey to Electric Ladyland, and meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger.

PANTALAIMON: Where are you getting the long journey and the handsome stranger?

LYRA: Oversymbolic means of fortune-telling such as astrology and tarot cards always mention long journeys and tall, dark, handsome strangers. It's sort of a given.

Alternate version of this scene:
LYRA: Before I put this away, might as well try and read it. *twiddles with knobs*

ALETHIOMETER: Lady. Lightning Bolt. Baby.

PANTALAIMON: Ooooh, what could that mean?

ALETHIOMETER: Lady. Lightning Bolt. Baby.

LYRA: Apparently Lord Voldemort is gonna kill a woman and give her baby a scar shaped like a lightning bolt.

PANTALAIMON: You sure it doesn't mean Demi Moore will divorce Ashton Kutcher?

LYRA: Either that, or Ally McBeal is coming back to TV.

Lyra goes wandering around Mrs. Coulter's apartment at night, because it is always a good idea to uncover someone's nefarious doings when that person is at home to catch you in the act of snooping.

PANTALAIMON: Hey, look what I found in a trash basket!

LYRA: The script?

PANTALAIMON: Pretty much. And look what it says!

LYRA: Wow, Mrs. Coulter's first name is Marisa! I thought it was Ann...

PANTALAIMON: No, above that!

LYRA: Wow, Mrs. Coulter is the head of the Gobblers! And she personally approved the kidnapping of Roger and Billy!

PANTALAIMON: Hey, I've got an idea! Let's let her take us to the Arctic, then escape from her there when we've already gotten a free ride, plus cold-weather survival gear from her!

LYRA: Nah, I'm gonna climb out the window with just my flimsy dress and the Golden Compass and escape into the dark streets of London all by myself with no plan and no resources or allies. What could possibly go wrong?

----

Knockturn Alley, Steampunk London

Lyra is chased by Gobblers or perhaps Bobbies. She is rescued by Gyptians Ex Machina.

LYRA: I'm so glad you rescued me, Billy Costa's Mum!

BILLY COSTA'S MUM: We've had it in for those G.O.B.blers ever since they stole our trademark! We were going to make a fortune selling "Gyptian On Board" window-signs, but no one wants to buy a GOB sign now! T_T

LYRA: ...and you hate them because they kidnapped your son, right?

BILLY COSTA'S MUM: Did they, now? Hunh. I wondered where he'd got off to.

---

Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day Celebrations, Gyptian Schooner

LORD FAA: I'm the King of the Gyptians. And this is Pharoah Farder Coram, who would be played by David Strathairn if David Strathairn were British.

FARDER CORAM: We know all about the Gobblers. They're the General Oblation Board, supposedly in charge of finding recruits for the Magisterium. Actually, they're a front organization for C.H.I.C.K.E.N., the Church Hierarchy for Insidiously Capturing Kids for Ends Nefarious.

LORD FAA: So we're gonna kick the crap out of them, on this, Saint Crispin's Day!!!!

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOKS: ..murdered by pirates is good.

LORD FAA: Not to change the subject, but we know you have an illegal shiny thing in your out-of-season handbag. You can trust us because we're friends of your dad's uncle's.

PEOPLE WHO'VE READ THE BOOKS: That's not exactly a glowing endorsement.

FARDER CORAM: Did I mention that my close friends call me "Dumbledore"? I know everything. Absolutely everything. Go on, ask me something and see if I know it!

LYRA: Why is the plot of the movie starting to drag at exactly the point where it starts to pick up in the book?

ALETHIOMETER: Because we blew too much of the budget on my sparkly SFX?

----

[Big Brother]

Hoth Svalbard

Lord Asriel: Why, yes, I did walk to Svalbard from Britain. I *am* just that badass.

Samoyed Bandits: We Keel You!

Lord Asriel: Did I mention I used to be James Bond?

Samoyed Bandits: *get beaten up*

Lord Asriel: *falls off cliff and survives*

Samoyed Bandits: *overwhelm him with sheer numbers*

Lord Asriel: I knew I should have picked up more gadgets from Q before I left.

----

Steampunk Gyptian Pirate Schooner, Baltic Sea

SERAFINA PEKKALA floats down ethereally and lands in front of LYRA.

LYRA: Are you lost? The Enya music video is being filmed on the next boat over.

SERAFINA PEKKALA: We witches have a prophecy about a child who will bring balance to the force change the face of Arrakis bring an end to Destiny itself, and thus kinda negate the whole idea of prophecy.

LYRA: And you think that's me?

SERAFINA PEKKALA: No, if you were Destiny's Child, there'd be three of you and you'd have more melanin.

LYRA: So why are you here?

SERAFINA PEKKALA: Just checking to see if you need some Witches Ex Machina rescue. I see I'm a bit early, I'll be back later when the plot requires me to rescue you from a situation the writers couldn't figure out any other way to resolve.

She floats ethereally upward again just as mysteriously as she arrived.

LYRA: Huh. We're hundreds of miles off shore, no one knows we're here, and if our enemies DID know where we were, they'd just send some naval warships to sink us. So hopefully there won't be any more ridiculous plot contrivances flying down to find us in the middle of nowhere.

SPYFLY: You rang?

FARDER CORAM: No, we didn't buzz for service. (traps Spyfly in an empty wine glass).

LYRA: What IS that thing?

FARDER CORAM: Something Pullman stole from Danny Dunn, Invisible Boy.
----

Rura Penthe Bolvangar

NURSE: No, you can't have any pudding until you eat your meat. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? Also, finish your letters home.

BILLY COSTA: My parents live on a boat, we don't have an address.

NURSE: Don't worry, we'll send the letters by magic owls who can always find the intended recipient.

BILLY COSTA: Something tells me you're in the wrong movie. Is your name Pomfrey by any chance?

----

Trollesund Harbor, Lapland

LYRA: Are you the tall, dark, handsome stranger I'm supposed to meet now that we've taken the long journey over water?

LEE SCORESBY: Possibly.

LYRA: I wasn't expecting such an impressive mustache.

LEE SCORESBY: Speaking of odd facial hair, I'd suggest you hire me...and an armored bear.

LYRA: Yes, because when we're on a secret mission to disrupt the plans of the all-powerful Church Magisterium World Government, what we want to do is make a lot of noise, get a lot of attention, and add a bunch of baggage that we'll have to drag overland on dogsleds.

---

Einarsson's Tavern, Trollesund, Lapland

LYRA: Are you Iorek Byrnison?

IOREK: Yes, and I'm voiced by Ian McKellen doing a bad impression of Patrick Stewart.

LYRA: Shouldn't you be wearing a leather apron or something when working with a hot blacksmith's forge? You'd think sparks would have set your fur on fire by now.

IOREK: What, and wear clothing like a Hyoo-Mon? I'm a bear!

LYRA: Right. And bears talk, work with molten metal, and have opposable thumbs?

IOREK: Of course we do.

LYRA: Would you like to join us on our quest to save some kidnapped children?

IOREK: No, I'm busy illustrating the author's stereotypes about indigenous people corrupted by booze and Western culture.

LYRA: What if I tell you where they're hiding your armor?

IOREK: What? You know this? Tell me at once!

LYRA: It's in the single most obvious place imaginable.

IOREK: I am in your debt for revealing this secret to me, which no one else could have known or figured out.

----

[Big Brother]

No-Name City Trollesund Branch of the First Bank of Magisterium

Various noises come out from the building. A bunch of Muscovite soldiers look on nervously. IOREK BYRNISON bursts out in full armor.

IOREK: ROOOOAAAARRR!!!

SOLDIER: Stop or we'll shoot!

LYRA: (Stands in front of IOREK) Shoot if you must this curly blonde head, but spare my friend the bear!

SOLDIER: Aw, you're too cute to shoot...

LEE SCORESBY: (points a pistol at the soldier) Sorry, Iorek, I meant to break you out sooner. I thought a little girl could do it more quiet-like. Guess I was wrong.

GYPTIANS: Mind if we interfere in a local dispute and blow our cover?

SOLDIER: Just take the smelly bear and go.

----

:LAPLAND FOREST

LYRA: The Aleithometer is getting rather pushy about me going to the town in the next valley and checking out a ghost.

IOREK: So what do you want to do about it?

LYRA: I want to ride on your back.

IOREK: You want to what?

LYRA: Ride on your back. We'll double the number of little kids who come to see this movie.

IOREK: How humiliating. I think I'll leave my soul behind.

----

Shotgun Shack, Lapland

LYRA: Hmm, a creepy abandoned shed in the middle of nowhere, that the Aleithometer says has a ghost inside. I think I'll go in, alone and unarmed.

IOREK: Nice knowing you...

LYRA goes in.

LYRA: Helloooo, Mr. Ghost?

BILLY: Ra...ra...ratter? Have you seen my Ratter?

LYRA: He was on the same milk carton you were. What's that in your hand?

BILLY: (petting a small scrap of fur Kitty?

----

Gyptian Camp, Lapland

LYRA: Well, we rescued Billy, or what's left of him. Hopefully the Gyptians will want to stick around and rescue whoever is left.

LORD FAA: Of course we will, as long as my hair gel holds out. Nothing can stop us now.

SAMOYED BANDITS: That's what Lord Asriel thought.

Battle ensues. Eventually, the 1% of the SAMOYEDS who survive the battle flee with a captive LYRA in tow.

SAMOYED #1: Wow, that was the costliest raid we've ever pulled.

SAMOYED #2: Yup, we lost almost all our troops, most of our sleds, and nearly all of our dogs.

SAMOYED #1: And all we got to show for it is one captured little girl.

SAMOYED: #2: Let's leave her as an anonymous gift on the doorstep of the King of the Ice Bears.

SAMOYED #1: That's a great use of our limited resources! Let's do it!

SAMOYED #2: You do realize that this means walking to Svalbard from Lapland across the Norrowegian Sea, don't you?

SAMOYED #1: If Lord Asriel can do it, so can we.

----

Iofur's Ragnar's Castle, Svalbard

LYRA: Squee! The castle of the King of the Ice Bears! And not half as smelly as in the book!

KING RAGNAR: I am King Ragnar Sturulsson, whose name used to be Iofur Raknison, but the film producers thought the similarity of my name with a certain exile bear who shall remain nameless would confuse American audiences, so they changed it.

LYRA: What a coincidence, I am the daemon of a certain exile bear who shall remain nameless.

KING RAGNAR: What? A bear with a daemon? That violates an entire history of human and ursine knowledge about daemons, a history I've been studying because I want a daemon myself.

LYRA: He was given a daemon at Bolvangar by Magisterium researchers violating an entire history of human and ursine ethics.

KING RAGNAR: Good, I'll eat you and that will kill a certain exile bear who shall remain nameless.

LYRA: Might I suggest instead that you kill him in single combat, THEN eat me, as a way to absorb his mystical energy more efficiently and thus get your own daemon?

KING RAGNAR: I'm just stupid enough to fall for that. Bring him on!

LYRA: Kings always are.

----

Bear-Baiting Arena, Svalbard

LYRA: Go get'im, Iorek! Rip his head off!

IOREK: How about I just rip off his lower jaw and send it spinning through the air in slo-mo until it bounces bloodily off the camera lens?

LYRA: Remember that we're going for a PG-13 rating here.

IOREK: Okay, we'll lose the slo-mo.

----

Bigass Crevass, Svalbard

IOREK: Now that I've defeated Ragnar in single combat and become king of all the ice bears, I've got plenty of free time to let you ride on my back yet again.

LYRA: Whee! Ooh, look, a narrow ice bridge!

IOREK: You go first and test to see if it's strong enough to carry me.

LYRA: But I'm like 90 pounds even with this heavy coat on, and you way over half a ton!

IOREK: Just don't look down.

LYRA crosses the ice bridge, which promptly collapses behind her, stranding her and IOREK on opposite sides of the Crevase.

IOREK: Lyra! You throw me the compass, I throw you the whip!

LYRA: But you don't have a whip!

IOREK: Fine, be that way. Have fun with the Gobblers in Bolvangar, moron. I'm going back to my palace.

----

BOLVANGAR, LAPLAND

LYRA: Whew, that was sure exhausting, walking here from Svalbard and all.

DOORMAN: Hello, little girl, what are you doing out here?

LYRA: Um, I got lost from a fur-trading expedition?

DOORMAN: That's not suspicious at all. Come on in.

----